When I was 11 years old I had not yet developed any leadership skills nor did I have much confidence. One day a new girl moved to town and joined our 5th grade class. Our town was a very plain white bread homogeneous New Jersey suburb. Most of the kids were of either Irish or Italian descent starting from generations back. We were mostly Catholic and had been together since kindergarten. When a new kid came to school it was a big deal. This new girl was very outgoing, smart, pretty and much more “developed” than the rest of us girls. Therefore, the boys loved her too. Everyone wanted to be chosen by the new girl as her friend. She picked me. I went to her house a few times after school. We were friends and I thought she was cool.
Then there was the incident with Gisela. Gisela had moved to town a year or two before. She was from Portugal and had a weird name. She was so quiet she went largely unnoticed and that was probably on purpose. Well, New girl decided Gisela was a problem and needed to be put in her place. So after school one day New girl followed Gisela across the playground as she was leaving school. Since New girl was my friend I went with her. I didn’t have any idea why we were following Gisela. I remember New girl being mean to Gisela and threatening to beat her up for I don’t know what. I had never witnessed anything like that and it was kind of exciting. I stood next to New girl and said “yeah” “yeah” like I knew what I was doing. I never considered Gisela in any of this. I never thought to stop it because New girl wouldn’t think I was cool anymore. It didn’t really seem like a big deal when it happened and Gisela never made a fuss about it anyway. So…..so what right? How horrible.
Fortunately, Gisela did not keep quiet about the incident. She told the teacher the next day. My mother got a call from the teacher and we had to go in to meet with her and Gisela and her mother. Gisela’s mother didn’t speak any English and Gisela had to translate the whole meeting for her. I was removed from the Safety Patrol, with my mother’s blessing, because I “should have known better”. My mother was appalled by my behavior. She let me have it. How could I be so mean? The poor girl’s mother doesn’t even speak English. How could I treat someone like that? The girl was probably so scared. Why did I do that? That was not what I was like. She was right of course and I felt so ashamed of myself. Gisela had never done anything to me. There was no reason to go along with this. I am so grateful to my mother for setting my moral compass that day.
New girl and I remained “friendly” but our friendship pretty much ended there. She hated Gisela after that and didn’t seem to feel any remorse for threatening her. I couldn’t really understand why she was so mad at Gisela when New girl was the one who started the trouble and Gisela hadn’t done anything to her. I suppose the fact that she existed and was different made her an easy target for someone like New girl. There was trouble lurking under that pretty smile. But fortunately for Gisela, and for me, Gisela stood up for herself.
I always felt guilty about that day. I was constantly aware of her after that and was actually intrigued by her and her ability to speak 2 languages. I had never met anyone who didn’t speak ANY English like her mother. I thought everyone did. Like I said our plain white bread town didn’t have much diversity. We stayed away from each other. Having been part of that day there was no hope we’d ever become friends. I probably missed out.
I often think, what if my mother hadn’t set my moral compass that day? What if, when I got home, my mother made some racial slur and berated Gisela and her mother for not being able to speak English. What if my mother told me I was unfairly punished because I hadn’t done anything wrong. I would be a very different person. There are parents who would have reacted that way and unfortunately there still are. Whether it’s race, religion, social status or general oddities adults are just as unkind to others as children. Take a look around at the world and you will find wars fought over every one of these issues. It’s not really any different is it? Our moral compass is set for us at an early age by an incident or series of incidents where our actions are determined to be either right or wrong by someone whom we respect. After that it's up to us continue checking on it. What kind of moral compasses you setting? You’ll see it in those you influence.
This has obviously carried with me and influenced how I treat people. I of course am not perfect and have surely made other mistakes but none stick out in my memory as much as this. It even effected how I raise my own children. I have always made sure to teach them to think of others and treat them with kindness. Both of my girls have witnessed someone at their schools being picked on by other kids. In each situation is was a child who could easily be singled out for one reason or another. Both girls felt for the victims and made sure to always treat them kindly. Neither is afraid to speak up when she sees someone being mistreated or to at least offer a comforting word or gesture. Both of my girls purposely fly above the radar of the drama that can be so prevalent among teens. They see it’s petty and are often the voice of reason among their friends. I am proud of them. I certainly didn’t have that maturity and wisdom at their ages.
I guess I’ve been able to pay my lessons forward to ensure there are at least two girls in this world who are willing to do the right thing instead of the easy thing. Isn’t that what our job is as parents anyway? We teach our children the lessons of our lives so they can grow beyond us. But if Gisela ever does read this I’d like her to know I’m sorry. I had my moral compass firmly set that day to do the right thing and treat people with respect and dignity. I’d thank her for standing up for herself. I hope she’s been able to pass that on to someone in her life as well.
