Thursday, February 17, 2011

Incremental Change


            Exactly seven years ago I began working out 5 days a week with a personal trainer.  He was part fitness trainer, part therapist, and part philosopher.  We used to have many lengthy conversations in person and through emails about fitness and life in general and how they reflected each other.  In a society where we are so used to instant gratification waiting for the long earned results was frustrating to say the least.  He would always tell me to look for the incremental changes.  I couldn’t always see them.  My vision of myself was so skewed that I had a hard time seeing the muscular athletic body that was showing itself.  Since then I continued my workouts but often without the same level of commitment and conscious focus as I did those months with my trainer.  So several weeks ago I committed to myself that I would workout 5 days a week again instead of my then current 3.  After many reps and hours of navigating through all the other gym rats I noticed, all on my own, an incremental change.  

            On the way home as I reflected on my incremental change I was reminded of that point in my life, 7 years ago, in its entirety.  So much has changed since that time.  Aside from reaching my fitness goal that year, it was not a stellar year for me.  My business goals were not reached and my home life was strained by my husband’s long term assignment that took him overseas.  I spent a lot of time reading and praying and hoping for the best.  I knew I could not change all the things or people around me but I realized I could change me.  That was the only thing over which I truly had control.  So I changed the way I responded to people and, above all else, looked for incremental changes.  And things did change.  It was hard to see each change as it happened but because I had learned from my workouts to appreciate the smallest changes I was able to see them when they happened and understand that it truly was progress.  

            You cannot expect a relationship to change overnight, just as you can’t expect to lose that extra 10 pounds in a week.  But you can expect small changes that add up over time.  When I look back at the last 7 years I see leaps and bounds of change in the dynamics of my relationships and my attitudes.  But it was slow, painstaking work with a persistence and belief that I was on the right track that took me there.  I learned a long time ago not to try to control everything in my life.  It was actually one of the most freeing things I ever did.  That was one of those times when it took a tremendous amount of concentration not to try to control what was happening around me.  In the middle of chaos we think control will give us calm.  Then the realization hits that there are so many moving parts to the chaos and it is impossible to control it all.  Panic could easily set it and frantic behavior could soon follow.  Those of us who are controllers put a lot of pressure on ourselves to run everyone’s show and the truth is it is not something at which you can be successful.  The only thing we can truly control is our own behaviors and reactions to events and people.  It was important to learn to let the rest go.

          If we consistently behave in a way that does not elicit the kind of response we want, we can be certain that continuing to behave that same way will not ever get us what we want.  You know the definition of insanity is “continuing to do the same thing but expecting different results.”  And you can’t just stop a behavior you must replace it with a new one.  You have to find a new way to behave, incrementally.  A perfect example is the spouse who harps on her mate because he never takes the trash out.  When he finally does as she asked her flippant response is “it’s about time”.  Why would he want to continue doing as she asked if it didn’t make her happy as she promised it would?  A better response would be to just say “thank you” and hold her tongue, even if she truly feels she is right.  It's not always important to right.  An appreciated action could potentially beget another appreciated action.  It’s the little changes that can bring about big results over time, incremental changes.  But the change has to start with ourselves because we can't force them from anyone else.  Also, we have to learn to recognize the results no matter how small.  It’s when we take a minute from looking down the road wishing that desired end result would just be here that we are able to see those small things moving in the right direction.  

Some goals can be reached with obvious results.  For example if you put one brick with mortar on top of another in a long row you WILL build a wall.  However, those intangible goals sometimes need a little more intuition to build a plan that will take you there.  In our frenetic lifestyles it's so important to take time for yourself and really assess where you are going.   Decide if it is where you want to go and figure out what needs to change to get you there.  It is equally important that once you have devised a plan that you believe in with all your heart that you persist.  Winston Churchill said “Never, Never Quit”.  It is simple and the only certainty of your failure is if you do quit.  As long as you are moving in the direction of your goals whether they are relationship, physical, health, financial or business goals you have not failed.  You may have found ways that won’t take you there and you may have had set backs.  You might even discover that you have to adjust your goals to certain realities of life.  But you have not failed if you have not quit.

            So these incremental changes that I see make it much easier to continue daily to stick to my chosen course of action.  I get it.  Finally I can see it and appreciate it all on my own.  Progress in anything will always have to be measured incrementally.  

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

In The Company of Women

We woman all know there is a certain therapeutic value of just hanging with the girls for a few hours.  A whole girls’ weekend or vacation together can refresh your soul like not much else.  As I look over my life I’ve always managed to find some girls with whom to share “sisterhood”.  You’ve probably heard the saying “people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime”.  And as cliché as it sounds, it’s profoundly true.  People come into our lives at different times for different reasons.  They might teach us something or guide us through a difficult situation.  They might be there just to share a certain phase of life like childhood, high school or a divorce.  And then there are the ones who never leave your life even if they leave your regular company.  We communicate with them regularly and will always do so.  But no matter why or when they show up they figured importantly in your life at that time and hold a special place in your heart.  With all of today’s social media it’s easier to continue contact with people or regain contact with people.  It can be nice to reconnect with some people from past seasons of your life.  Some you realize were better left in the past.  So we once again disconnect. 

When I was growing up there was only one other girl on my street of all boys.  We talked about everything from which boy we liked and how unfair our parents could be, to grades, siblings and which new boy we liked.   But most of the time it didn’t matter what we talked about as long as we were talking…together.   Isn’t that all we really need; to just be together for a while.  That first girlfriend and I thought we’d be the proverbial “best friends forever”.  I have not seen or spoken to her in over 25 years.  Our lives took drastically different paths once I graduated from college and began following my wanderlust.   Life happens, doesn’t it?  Our season together was over.  However, I’m sure that if I had the opportunity to spend a few hours with her there would still be some connection that would allow us to share a bit of our lives once again.  Once you’ve shared a bit of your soul with your girlfriends they carry it with them for the rest of their lives.  And when you again have the opportunity to talk together you can rewarm that bit of your soul and savor the moment and the memory. 

When it comes to my “lifetime girlfriends” I am as staunchly loyal to them as they are to me.  I have one girlfriend from high school who would fit in that category.   She has always been there for me in a crisis and for fun and I would do the same for her.  In college I met several girlfriends who fit this category as well.  These are the kind of friends you can go without talking to for ages and pick up right where you left off without judgment or guilt.  That’s not to say there have not been bumps in the roads of these relationships.  There were times we didn’t like each other much and sought out others.  But we always returned to the friendship in person or spirit like our own magnetic north. 

I spent 12 years in the female dominated business of direct sales.  There was never a shortage of girl friend time in that world.  For me it was “the meeting after the meeting” that was the best part. Another of my truest friends, who is so awesome, came from this place in my life.  For those years I was fortunate enough to be able to combine a business with girlfriend time that even included regular travel together.  Then there are my girlfriends from tennis.  With our group “tennis” usually didn’t end when the court time was over.   At least once a week we went to lunch that lasted for hours.  We also had built in girls’ weekends when we would travel out of town for tournaments.  In that group I met another sister whose soul is as full of wanderlust as my own.

Now I am in yet another new place in life and again I have found women with whom I share sisterhood.  We call it wine night, but it’s not at all about the wine.  It’s about spending time in the company of other women.  It occurred to me that my life always seemed to have a system in place to facilitate these types of relationships for me until I moved here.  So I have naturally sought them out and look forward to the new experiences these women will bring to my life.  Although I have not been here long I know I have already found a few more soul sisters who will remain in my heart long after we have been sent off in different directions.

So if you’ve had a bad day, a fight with your man, (or woman if that’s your path) kids getting under your skin or you just need to vent about your boss?  Then good girlfriends are what you need.  Ones who will laugh with you until your sides ache, cry with you when your heart breaks and can be trusted to keep your venting to themselves.  They may offer advice and you may offer advice.  Some advice you will wisely take, some you will wisely ignore.  They will support you and if they are really good girlfriends they will set you on the straight and narrow when you stray. Honestly, it doesn’t matter why we gather, just that we gather.   The support is understood.  So to my girlfriends all over the world, I raise my glass to you and rejoice in the sisterhood of knowing you.