Incremental Change

            Exactly seven years ago I began working out 5 days a week with a personal trainer.  He was part fitness trainer, part therapist, and part philosopher.  We used to have many lengthy conversations in person and through emails about fitness and life in general and how they reflected each other.  In a society where we are so used to instant gratification waiting for the long earned results was frustrating to say the least.  He would always tell me to look for the incremental changes.  I couldn’t always see them.  My vision of myself was so skewed that I had a hard time seeing the muscular athletic body that was showing itself.  Since then I continued my workouts but often without the same level of commitment and conscious focus as I did those months with my trainer.  So several weeks ago I committed to myself that I would workout 5 days a week again instead of my then current 3.  After many reps and hours of navigating through all the other gym rats I noticed, all on my own, an incremental change.  

            On the way home as I reflected on my incremental change I was reminded of that point in my life, 7 years ago, in its entirety.  So much has changed since that time.  Aside from reaching my fitness goal that year, it was not a stellar year for me.  My business goals were not reached and my home life was strained by my husband’s long term assignment that took him overseas.  I spent a lot of time reading and praying and hoping for the best.  I knew I could not change all the things or people around me but I realized I could change me.  That was the only thing over which I truly had control.  So I changed the way I responded to people and, above all else, looked for incremental changes.  And things did change.  It was hard to see each change as it happened but because I had learned from my workouts to appreciate the smallest changes I was able to see them when they happened and understand that it truly was progress.  

            You cannot expect a relationship to change overnight, just as you can’t expect to lose that extra 10 pounds in a week.  But you can expect small changes that add up over time.  When I look back at the last 7 years I see leaps and bounds of change in the dynamics of my relationships and my attitudes.  But it was slow, painstaking work with a persistence and belief that I was on the right track that took me there.  I learned a long time ago not to try to control everything in my life.  It was actually one of the most freeing things I ever did.  That was one of those times when it took a tremendous amount of concentration not to try to control what was happening around me.  In the middle of chaos we think control will give us calm.  Then the realization hits that there are so many moving parts to the chaos and it is impossible to control it all.  Panic could easily set it and frantic behavior could soon follow.  Those of us who are controllers put a lot of pressure on ourselves to run everyone’s show and the truth is it is not something at which you can be successful.  The only thing we can truly control is our own behaviors and reactions to events and people.  It was important to learn to let the rest go.

          If we consistently behave in a way that does not elicit the kind of response we want, we can be certain that continuing to behave that same way will not ever get us what we want.  You know the definition of insanity is “continuing to do the same thing but expecting different results.”  And you can’t just stop a behavior you must replace it with a new one.  You have to find a new way to behave, incrementally.  A perfect example is the spouse who harps on her mate because he never takes the trash out.  When he finally does as she asked her flippant response is “it’s about time”.  Why would he want to continue doing as she asked if it didn’t make her happy as she promised it would?  A better response would be to just say “thank you” and hold her tongue, even if she truly feels she is right.  It's not always important to right.  An appreciated action could potentially beget another appreciated action.  It’s the little changes that can bring about big results over time, incremental changes.  But the change has to start with ourselves because we can't force them from anyone else.  Also, we have to learn to recognize the results no matter how small.  It’s when we take a minute from looking down the road wishing that desired end result would just be here that we are able to see those small things moving in the right direction.  

Some goals can be reached with obvious results.  For example if you put one brick with mortar on top of another in a long row you WILL build a wall.  However, those intangible goals sometimes need a little more intuition to build a plan that will take you there.  In our frenetic lifestyles it's so important to take time for yourself and really assess where you are going.   Decide if it is where you want to go and figure out what needs to change to get you there.  It is equally important that once you have devised a plan that you believe in with all your heart that you persist.  Winston Churchill said “Never, Never Quit”.  It is simple and the only certainty of your failure is if you do quit.  As long as you are moving in the direction of your goals whether they are relationship, physical, health, financial or business goals you have not failed.  You may have found ways that won’t take you there and you may have had set backs.  You might even discover that you have to adjust your goals to certain realities of life.  But you have not failed if you have not quit.

            So these incremental changes that I see make it much easier to continue daily to stick to my chosen course of action.  I get it.  Finally I can see it and appreciate it all on my own.  Progress in anything will always have to be measured incrementally.